Up, up, up.

I finally got back into the gym this morning and I'm feeling great. I did the bike for 15 minutes and the elliptical for 10. Only 25 minutes of cardio, but I wanted to take it easy on my ankle, which is still giving me problems. I completed my arm routine, and did some abs and called it a day.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to get my ankle checked out. I have no idea what's wrong with it. I don't remember rolling it, and it's just been swollen and painful on and off for 5 days, not including the first day it happened. Walking seems to make it better, and it gets worse when I sit. Who knows, I just hope he doesn't tell me that I can't exercise for a period of time.

Last weekend my eating was good, nothing spectacular but good. Friday went well, for dinner I made pizza, but then we went to a birthday party. I ate more snacks than I wanted too, but didn't go completely overboard. Saturday was King's Day so after brunch Rogier and I went into the city. We sat on a terrace and had a few drinks, I had a cola and a coffee, no beer. It was around 3pm when we finally started to walk home and I was feeling hungry so we stopped at the snack wall.

This is what a Dutch Snack Wall looks like. It's all kinds of fried, unhealthy goodness. You put your money in and open the slot and get a snack. I had the bami snack, which is bami noodles (Indonesian Lo mien) that gets fried into a nice little ball. It's delicious and spicy and as far as snacks go not horrible. It's got about 200 calories. For dinner Saturday we had salmon. Saturday was a meatless day for me. I've decided to do one day completely meatless (no fish) and one day pescatarian. 

Yesterday was another so-so eating day, we were out and about and ended up having Ikea Hot Dog's for lunch (they're chicken, not beef). 

Last night's dinner was delicious. We had Argentinean style steaks, fried potatoes, white asparagus and sautéed mushrooms and onions. I oven fried the potatoes in coconut oil, and marinated the mushrooms and onions in an all natural garlic vinaigrette. It's my favorite salad dressing/marinade ever. It's also all natural. 

Doesn't that look delicious? It was and super satisfying. 

Today was the first day I got to try out my new eating plan for gym days: small snack before the gym, breakfast after the gym, and then a late lunch. 

This was my post-workout breakfast. One scrambled egg with salsa, peanut butter and a banana, and greek yogurt with strawberries. It was packed with protein and delicious. I'll give you a progress report tomorrow about how my appetite is in the afternoon, that's what I'm trying to curb. We'll see. 

Things are looking up and I'm more positive than I was during my last post. Hopefully this positive streak stays around longer. 

Health > Weight

I made this photo very big so it didn't get lost. I needed to see this today. I found this picture on a wordpress blog and seriously needed it. Logically I know that the scale doesn't and shouldn't define me as a person, but knowing that and believing it are too completely different things. I'm still struggling with the believing part. 

How are you supposed to believe that you are more than your weight in today's world? A world where stick thin models and actresses are glorified? Now, I'm against body shaming. I think it's just as bad to call someone too skinny as it is to call them too fat, but the fact is that, yes some of these models are "born skinny," but the other fact is that some of them starve themselves, and that's not okay. It's not okay to glorify anorexia, but it's also not okay to shame someone for being too thin, just like it's unacceptable to shame someone because they're overweight. 

How are you supposed to every feel good about yourself if you don't look perfect? Or what society deems perfect?

The fact is that I may be overweight, but I'm healthy. I wasn't. Not 18 months ago, but I am now. My once borderline blood sugar levels are now perfect and on the lower end of normal. My once high cholesterol- normal. Being thin doesn't guarantee health, just like being overweight doesn't automatically make you unhealthy. Studies have shown that overweight people who work out are healthier overall than people who are thin but don't work out.

I started this journey for all the wrong reasons. Being healthy was at the bottom of my list of reasons for wanting to lose weight. Feeling beautiful, and being beautiful by society's standards, that was at the top. Feeling beautiful on my wedding day, in my dress, was at the top. Being able to confidently wear a bikini was at the top. But my health? No, that was at the bottom, when it should have been at the top.

I know all these things about my health and how much better I am now than a year and a half ago, but how do I change my mentality? How do I stop being defined by that ever irritating number on the scale?

When Do I Get My Epiphany?

It hasn't been an easy few days. My eating has been so-so. It's been better and it's been worse, but things on the exercise front and the losing weight front are not join as planned. The whole not weighing myself thing went out the window. Last time I weighed myself I was 90.2kg. That's about a 1/2 lb heavier than I was on April 1. And it's frustrating me.

Admittedly I've only gotten to the gym maybe 6 times this month and my eating although not horrible could be better.

Last Saturday we had people over for a BBQ. The weather actually turned out to be beautiful. I had two beers. They're white beers with a little bit of a fruity flavor. They're delicious and perfect for an almost summertime BBQ.

This is some of the food cooking. I made kabobs with yellow and green peppers, onions and mushrooms. I ate an entire kabob which was full of delicious grilled vegetables. The meat in the picture is marinated bacon. We don't have any bacon like this in the states. It's very thick and I can't really explain it, but it's delicious. 

At the BBQ I had 1/2 a chicken breast, 1 piece of the bacon pictures, 1 sausage, and a small portion of ribs. I also had salad, and potato salad. I also had 3 pieces of baguette. That was my biggest accomplishment. Usually I fill up on bread way too early and then seriously overeat, but I strategically set it on the other side of the table so that I had to ask for it if I wanted some, and honestly, I really didn't miss it. 

I also had dessert. A snickers ice cream bar. 

Sunday was Easter so Rogier and I had brunch around 11. 

I had a hardboiled egg and with some buns. It was delicious and very Dutch. 

Easter Sunday, Rogier and I went to Belgium to go to a market. While we were there I finally tried poffertjes. They're mini pancakes. Everyone says they were delicious and I had never tried them, but I've been wanting to and there was a stand at the market making fresh ones so I tried them. 

That's them being cooked. What you see is two portions. I got 14 mini pancakes. 

I had no idea the guy was going to put that much powdered sugar. Rogier says that if you order them in Holland they come with much less powdered sugar. Either way they were delicious and I was glad I finally got to try them. They were also served with a little mini easter egg, which I didn't eat. My chocolate snob self didn't want the milk chocolate. 

So eating hasn't been spectacular, but it's definitely been worse. 

I went to the gym on Monday and did 30 minutes of cardio and an arm routine. Yesterday I had my Dutch driving exam, which I passed! I had plans to go to the gym after the exam, but it didn't happen.

This morning I had a terrible headache and generally feel like crap so I skipped the gym and had plans to take a long walk, but my ankle is acting up again. It isn't swollen, but it definitely hurts to walk. So today I'm going to get out my yoga mat, and do some ab work and some arms, nothing that puts pressure on my ankle. 

I've also been having these feelings of dread about going to the gym. If I wake up in the middle of the night I think "what can I do to sleep in and not have to go to the gym today." Those are not positive or healthy thoughts. I think my gym routine is becoming a bit stagnant. It's always the same. So I have a plan. 

Next week I'm going to try a few classes in the morning. I have made a plan to go to Yoga next Tuesday and try to continue going every Tuesday morning. I'm also planning on trying an XCO, body combat, and something called burn. I'm going to pick two of those three to do with yoga so I'll take yoga and one other class a week and add that into my gym rotation. 

Hopefully that helps. We'll see. I'm still waiting for that great epiphany on this lifestyle change is worth it and when I'm feeling deprived it's all in my head and I'm not depriving my body of anything and that it's getting all of the nutrition it needs. 

So when do I get this epiphany I read about on other blogs? When does it finally click?

Adaptation

Good news/bad news friends. Good news is that my ankle has almost no pain anymore and my range of motion is almost completely back. Bad news is it's still swollen and looks awful.

Today is usually an off day from the gym and I was contemplating going anyway, since I missed yesterday, but I decided not to. I decided another day of rest for my ankle was better than risking further injury. I will, however, be going tomorrow. I'm going to use the elliptical instead of the treadmill and also avoid the stair climber. I'm going to stick with activities that put less pressure on my ankle.

Yesterday's eating went pretty well. I did snack too much in the afternoon on the chorizo that went into our dinner. I made chicken and chorizo jambalaya. It was delicious. I didn't too badly overall, but still feel like there's room for improvement in my eating habits, so I'm going to try a different approach.

My gym, unfortunately doesn't open until 8am. I'm a complete morning workout person and if it doesn't happen in the morning, it's not going to happen. I've learned this about myself and accepted it. Before going to the gym I usually eat 1 slice of bread with meat or cheese or peanut butter and jelly. When I come home from the gym I have a "snack." Usually yogurt with granola and fruit. I think the problem I've been having with hunger is that I'm not eating enough in the morning.

My new approach on gym days is going to be having a slice of bread with something on it, but eating more after the gym. My usual breakfast consists of less than 150 calories and the snack after the gym usually no more than 200. In my opinion that's not enough for the morning time. Maybe it is for some people, but the one thing I've learned on this journey is that everyone is different. People's bodies are not the same and everyones responds to hunger, calorie restriction and exercise differently.

My plan is to start having breakfast after the gym instead of just a snack. I'll eat more calories which means I'll eat more protein and fiber. Everything I need to sustain myself and hopefully rid myself of my afternoon hunger struggles. I'm not saying this will work, but I think it's worth a try. I will also be having a much later lunch, around 1:30 instead of 12:00 and then try and avoid the afternoon snacking altogether and eat dinner between 5:30 and 6 like usual.

I also have a plan for non-gym days like today. Today I had a very big breakfast.

I had a slice of whole wheat bread with lean ham, cut up banana and strawberries, a hard boiled egg, and a cup of coffee. It was delicious and very filling. I ate right around 8:15 and wasn't hungry until after 11. I did have a rice cake to ease my hunger, which is just now coming back at 12:15. It's lunchtime anyway so that's fine. 

So I'm adapting. I'm going to try something new and hope it works. I'm looking forward to getting back into the gym tomorrow even if I will have to take it a little easy for the next few days! 

Set Backs

Yesterday I mentioned that my ankle was bothering me, and today it's definitely worse. I have no idea what I did to it. Crazy, right? I don't remember it hurting me at the gym, and I don't remember rolling it or twisting it yesterday, but when I got out of the shower it was hard to walk. I had plans to meet Rogier in the city center to go to the market and buy some fruit. I probably shouldn't have walked on it, but I did and now I'm paying for it.

I love the market. They have so many local fresh fruits and veggies. It's a little more expensive than at the supermarket, but you know what you're getting is fresh.

This was yesterday's haul from the market. Strawberries, tomatoes, and apples. I just noticed that they're all red. Interesting. Anyway, one of those little containers of strawberries is already gone and the other one will most likely be gone today, if not definitely by tomorrow. 

Here's my lovely swollen ankle... 

Pretty right? Please excuse my unpolished toenails. My ankles probably looked like this 30lbs ago all the time, but this is swollen, painful, and if you look closely you can see a little bit of bruising. Best part, I have no idea how it happened. 

I'm struggling a lot with this set back. I was really looking forward to spin class today and taking a long walk tomorrow, but right now it seems like both of those are not going to happen. So I'm going to use this opportunity to focus on my eating habits which although much improved are still very much off track. I'm an emotional eater. It doesn't matter what type of emotion I'm feeling- sad, happy, bored, angry, I eat. Especially when I'm bored. This is what's been challenging me the most. I'm still unemployed :( and that means I spend a lot of time at home, alone. The best solution would be just not to buy snacks, and for the most part I don't, but I do have a few healthy indulgences: nuts, dark chocolate, rice cakes, and if I'm bored, I eat, even when I'm not hungry. I've already opened and closed the kitchen cupboard at least 5 times today, and I'm not even hungry! I've eaten plenty today. 

This was my breakfast. A slice of bread with butter and some salami, and a half slice of bread with all natural peanut butter and no-sugar-added jam. It was delicious and very filling. 

This was my morning snack. Low fat greek yogurt, fresh strawberries and a sprinkle of granola. Also very good and very satisfying. So riddle me this if I've had so much delicious and nutritious food today WHY do I keep hobbling to the snack cupboard just to open it, shake my head and talk myself out of doing something I'll regret and then hobbling back to the couch? It's ridiculous. I'm aware, but I can't seem to stop myself. So far today I'm on track with my eating. I'm trying to keep it that way, but it's a struggle, not just daily, but constantly. I mean all throughout every day. When will the food monster go away? I've lost nearly 20kg and I still struggle with my eating like I did when I was morbidly obese. I should seek food therapy? That exists right? 

Anyway, back to something more positive. I said I've lost nearly 20kg. Last time I weighed myself I was down 17kg from my heaviest. I'm going to assume (hope) that I've lost since then, but I don't know for sure, but for the sake of this we'll round up. I picked up two 10kg dumbbells at the gym Monday and thought, holy crap, these are heavy. That's when it hit me. That's how much weight I've lost (more or less). Can you believe it? That's insane. That much extra weight had been on my body, squishing me and compressing my bones. 

I read somewhere that when very obese people lose weight the sometimes gain an inch or so in height because of the reduced compression on their spine. In the last progress picture I posted Rogier pointed out that my posture looks better. Take another look if you don't believe me. 

Maybe it's just that my stomach is smaller so it gives the appearance of better posture? I'm not sure, but I'm sticking to the fact that I'm standing up straighter. Maybe I'll have a late growth spurt!

I wish--anybody who knows me knows my only wish is to be taller. Oh well. 

So I'm going to try and turn this little set-back into a positive and focus on my eating while I can't focus on losing weight through exercise. Wish me luck! And hope for a speedy recovery. 

Happy Hump Day :) 

Small Feat

It's only been two days, but I'm feeling great about my workouts, eating, and overall choices this week. After my workout yesterday I was on my feet for a good portion of the day, which being unemployed is not exactly the norm anymore.

For dinner last night I made runder vink. Vink means Finch, which is a bird. The meat is actually a nice cut of beef. I have no idea what the English word for it is, and I've never actually seen it in The States. I served it with broccoli and oven fried potatoes. I boiled the potatoes first for about 10 minutes and then diced them up and baked them in coconut oil. I've just recently jumped on the coconut oil train. I'm not a very big fan of the flavor of coconut and I was worried that all of my food would taste coconutty if I used that as an oil. It didn't at all, which I was happy about. I seasoned the potatoes with cayenne pepper, paprika, garlic and cracked black pepper.

It was a delicious dinner and very satisfying. I had 100g (3oz) of beef, 200g (1 cup) broccoli, and 50g (1/4 cup) of potatoes. 

This morning at the gym I did 15 minutes on the treadmill: 2 minutes walking, 4 minutes running, 4 minutes walking, 2 minutes running, 2 minutes walking, 1 minute running. I then did 15 minutes on the bike, level three and finished with 10 minutes on the stair climber, level 4, for a total of 40 minutes of cardio. 

I then did a leg workout. I started with squats and step-ups. I did 3 sets of 10 squats with 30kg on the bar, and 3 sets of 8 step-ups (each leg). I then did 3 sets of 10 lunges and 3 sets of 10 side lunges. I finished with 3 sets of 10 narrow squats and 3 sets of 10 sumo squats. I'm finding it a little difficult to walk normally, but it felt good. I finished with leg drops, plank, boat pose, and sit-ups on the stability ball for abs. 

I'm having a little bit of tenderness in my left ankle right now. I'm not sure why, it didn't bother me until I had gotten out of the shower, but well see how it goes. I took two ibuprofen and tomorrow I'm planning on doing a spin class which doesn't put as much strain on my ankles as running or stair climbing. 

I made good choices yesterday and will continue to try and make good choices today. Two days may not be a lot, but it's a small feat. 

A Friendly Competition

I received a lot of positive comments from friends yesterday that read my blog. None of them comment on the blog, but I received a few texts and a Facebook comment. It makes me feel good to receive positive feedback.

One of the texts I received from a friend, "been reading your blog and it has definitely helped me motivate me." So we decided to make a friendly little competition. We have a weight in mind and the first person to reach that weight gets a new outfit bought for them, courtesy of the other, from the best store ever..Target, obviously. In an effort to not disclose who she is I won't tell you what weight were trying to get to or who has the current advantage (we do not weigh the same right now). I'm very excited about this challenge and hope that I win! :) In any case it will definitely help motivate me.

This morning I made it to the gym. I did twelve minutes on the treadmill: eight minutes running and four minutes walking. I walked two minutes, ran 6, walked two, and finished with running two. I then did ten minutes on the bike, level four and finished with ten minutes on the stair climber, level four. It felt really good. I then moved on to arms. I did my full routine for the first time in two weeks and I'm feeling it now, but it felt amazing to be able to complete after the way I was feeling last week.

It's only Monday, but I'm feeling great and I'm hoping that feeling continues throughout this week. I'm also going to try and track my calories all week and see how that fairs. I have weighed myself once since the first of April. I know I said I wasn't going to, but I caved. I was up to 90.5kg, not surprising since I've gone to the gym a total of now 3 times this month and have been eating to my hearts content. I'll also be weighed next week at my dietician appointment. I've come to the conclusion that I will most likely not weigh 87kg come May 1, but I'm okay with that. I'll weigh what I weigh and move forward. What's important is how I feel.

This Journey is a Roller Coaster

Over the past 8 weeks or so that I've been back on this journey I had been riding a high. I was feeling great about myself, my choices, my progress and starting to feel better about my body and my appearance. I can only describe what's been going on in my life as to that of being on a roller coaster.

When you first get on a roller coaster you generally start a long slow climb. In the first few weeks I was on this climb. I was making smart, careful decisions and my anticipation was climbing the higher I went.  So, what happens when you get all the way to the top of the climb? You drop. Fast and far. And that's what I've been doing.

While Lauren and her mom were here I allowed myself a great deal of indulgence. We were traveling and I had made an agreement with myself that I wasn't going to not enjoy the trips. One of the greatest things about travel is getting to experience new food and cultures. So I indulged and that's fine. I knew it was going to happen.

What I wasn't prepared for was the difficulty I've had getting back on track since Lauren's departure, just over a week ago. Last week I went to the gym Monday and Tuesday, but made terrible food choices those two days. Ones that weren't in line with my goals. Wednesday was miserable. I could barely walk and I felt like crap. I went for a 5k walk, but couldn't bring myself to get back into the gym Thursday or Friday. Saturday was the first day that my body started to feel normal. I had no pain and could walk without feeling every muscle in my body aching and protesting.

Unfortunately along with my lack of exercise I've indulged in too much chocolate and too many fried, unhealthy foods. Foods that I don't really enjoy and experience guilt from (that's a different issue for a different day), but nonetheless I ate them anyways and then experienced such guilt.  Thankfully all the crap food and delicious chocolate is finally out of the house and I've come to realize that the only way to stop myself from eating it is not to buy it. So that's the goal for the next two weeks. Don't buy crap!

So now I'm on the part of the roller coaster that brings you to the next climb. The ones with the loops and turns that make you dizzy. I'm ready for the next climb and I'm hoping that because I've been through this the next time I fall, I won't fall so hard.

Even though it's been a rough couple weeks I did have a positive experience yesterday. A friend of mine sent me a text that said, "you look great!" I was slightly confused because she lives in New York City and I live on another continent, so when I inquired she informed me that she had seen a picture I was tagged in on Facebook.

said picture

This picture is of Lauren and I sitting in the Museum District in Amsterdam enjoying some delicious Suikerwafels (Sugar Waffles). Mine is covered in chocolate sauce and whipped cream. New rule of indulgences, only one add-on. It was delicious, anyway. You can clearly tell that I've lost weight in this picture. My t-shirt is borderline too big and my face is much smaller than previously. 

This picture was taken of me in December 2012. It was my going away dinner with my co-workers. Only a few of who are pictured here. I miss them dearly. Anyway, in this picture I was about 225lbs (102.3kg) and my current weight in the picture in Amsterdam is 90kg (198lb). That's quite a difference 16 months makes. So, even though it hasn't always been easy and I will continue to struggle through this journey and fight the food monster and chubby girl inside me, I have faith and determination to see it through. 

With all of the comments I've been getting about how good I looked I was prompted to take a progress picture. Something I used to do regularly but stopped doing. It's rather embarrassing to post, but this is my journey and my body is my own and not for others to judge. I have a large amount of stretch marks covering my entire abdomen because I gained so much weight so quickly, and I've learned to accept that they will always be there and eventually will be a sign of everything I've gone through. 

I posted these photos on my Instagram this morning. I had said the the original picture was taken in February, but that can't be right because our floor has been changed since about November. Either way you can see a lot of progress in this picture and this is going to continue to be my motivation as I ride this roller coaster. 

Blah

Blah. That word basically sums up how I feel about my eating, exercise, body and pretty much myself over the past few days. I've been having a difficult time getting back on track since my visitors left. I've continually made poor food decisions and feel myself slipping into old habits. I have no idea how to stop it, but I do know that I'm the only person who can improve my decisions.

On top of my poor eating habits, including the fact that I've felt constantly hungry since Monday, is getting back into my exercise routine has been extremely challenging. I went to the gym Monday and got through 25minutes of cardio and my normal weight routine. I toned down the cardio a bit, but did my full arm strength routine. Yesterday at the gym I did 35 minutes of cardio. I should have known that my leg routine was going to be challenging considering they were in pain after walking up the 1 1/2 flights of stairs to get to the gym. I got half way through my squats and box jumps when I was in so much pain I couldn't do it anymore. I moved no to abs and did 30 minutes of stretching, hoping that would be enough- it wasn't.

I passed on the gym today because my legs still hurt so bad. I did manage to get out for a walk. It was needed and I did another 30 minute stretching routine afterwards. I  can still feel my legs and they still feel heavy, but better.

It felt good to be doing something active. I'm hoping to do a spin class tomorrow, but it's going to depend on how I feel. I have also been feeling like I'm coming down with something or getting over something I never really contracted. I've just been off. 

I'm just going to keep pushing and trying to decide to make better decisions. Maybe it will help to write down my reasons for wanting to get healthy again. We'll see. 

Back on the Grind

Today was my first day back in the gym after a 10 day hiatus and boy could I feel myself dragging.

The last time I went to the gym was Thursday, March 28, the day before my house guests arrived. In the ten days that have passed I have indulged in several treats and over ate on almost every day. My last post was about Cologne on Sunday, April 1. Cologne was beautiful and I'll definitely be going back.

Last Monday was a very lazy recovery day after 14 hours of touring and traveling. Tuesday I travelled to Amsterdam with Lauren and her mom. Breakfast was fairly normal. I had two slices of bread with deli meat and a piece of fruit. I had lunch and dinner in Amsterdam and a gelato. And it was all delicious.

I had this burger for lunch during our First day in Amsterdam. Thankfully it didn't come with fries because I was already stuffed after just the burger. 

This was my treat on our first day. It was real gelato.  I had Dutch Stroopwaffel and chocolate flavors. They were delicious. I had kind of wished I only ordered one scoop but Lauren only got one and then wished she had gotten two. It was extra calories, but it was worth it. 

For dinner I showed them a Chinese Mandarin restaurant that I'd eaten at before. We got Imperial Chicken (Chicken Kung Pao) and Shanghai Noodles. The Noodles came with fried shrimp and pork. It was so good and I felt satisfied after but not overly full. Lauren and her mom stopped for dessert on the way home, but I passed. 

In total we walked over 20,000 steps our first day in Amsterdam. 

We stayed overnight in a hotel and the breakfast was really good, but I don't have any pictures of it.  I over indulged at breakfast but didn't go crazy. 

This was lunch our second day in Amsterdam. It was a grilled chicken club sandwich and fries. I didn't finish the fries, but definitely ate more than I should have. 

This was my indulgence on our second day. It's a sugar waffle covered in chocolate sauce and whip cream. It was amazing. 

This was dinner and it's probably one of the best things I've ever eaten. It was a fried brie ravioli with a tomato basil pasta sauce and it came with tons and tons of veggies! There's fresh arugula topping it, broccoli, cauliflower, green beans and even a few snow peas! It was so good. I finished it even though I was full about 3/4 of the way through. 

Our second day in Amsterdam we walked just over 19,000 steps. 

We got back from Amsterdam on Thursday and really didn't do a whole lot of anything the rest of the day. Friday I went and saw Divergent with Lauren. It was so good! I definitely need to reread the book. 

What I should have done was stop indulging in unhealthy foods and overeating but I didn't until yesterday. Oh well. These things happen and I'm working on getting back on track. 

Today I went to the gym. I only did 25 minutes of cardio and I felt like I was going to pass out. It was hard. I finished my usual arm workout and even increased my weight to 10kg an arm. That's progress. 

I will be going back to the gym tomorrow and will continue to try and make healthier eating choices. I've been extremely hungry today and have eaten a little more than I should, but it's been mostly healthy choices. Except the chocolate. But I'm working on it. I'll get back to where I was. 

I'm not sure if I'll reach 87kg this month, but I'm going to do my best to try. I did finally take my measurements yesterday and they have gotten smaller, that's also a win! 

I'm not going to be running this week at the gym. I'm just going to try and rebuild what I've lost. I walked 15 minutes today on a 5% incline and I thought that was going to kill me. I can't imagine having tried to run. That's on next weeks agenda.